beyondpanic's diary

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Land O' Lakes

Christmassy Thing #10: Went to the Hallmark store and bought my three “special” Christmas cards - one for my Mom and Dad, one for my new granddaughter and one for my son and his girlfriend and the baby. Their card reads “To our Son and his Wonderful Family” – they were all out of “To our Son who is Living in Sin” – JUST KIDDING, JUST KIDDING!!!! I know, I know, it’s 2007, but cut me a break – I was born in 1957 – nuns were still telling us that if we were in a car with a lot of people and we HAD to sit on a boys lap, we should make sure we put a telephone book between our bottom and his lap. Now where the hell we were going to find that telephone book, I sure as hell don’t know, but if we didn’t, there would be a black spot on our milk bottle souls!

New subject: Last night I wrote about one of our neighbors when I was growing up – now I’ll tell you about the nutcase on the other side. Mr. K was a sadist – he loved to scare the crap out of little girls. Once he chased my sister Pat around the neighborhood with a worm. At one point he had her bent over backwards and he was dangling the worm over her screaming mouth. She got away from him and as he was chasing her through his back yard, he fell over a tree root and tore his meniscus. So there, you sick bastard.

He also taught us a trick. See the Land O' Lakes Indian above? He showed us how to fold her body on the carton so that her knees actually looked like breasts. Sick bastard.

Now, I must admit something to all of you. I recreate this trick for my family every year around the holidays. I’ll be making cookies or cinnamon monkey bread and when I start to add the butter, I spy the box and immediately start folding that waxed cardboard like an Origami master..

The family has seen this so many times that they barely look up when I come screeching out of the kitchen with my folded box screaming, “Who wants to see the Land O' Lakes Indian? I always say Land O' Lakes and not Land of Lakes – that’s just more fun... and accurate, I might add.

I, however, am not a sick bastard.

If you wish to recreate this lovely family tradition, just Google “Land of Lakes Indian” for the instructions.

10:57 p.m. - November 29, 2007


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