beyondpanic's diary

beyondpanic's Diaryland Diary

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Daughters of Alcoholics

I just finished reading Rosie O’Donnell’s book “Celebrity Detox”.

I liked it – I especially liked Chapter 13 because it’s good to hear that someone else has experienced almost the exact same feelings that I have had.

“Every year, Kelli and I take a dreaded vacation. Here’s the problem. I hate vacations. To vacate. To go empty. That’s what that means.”

Of course, I have gotten better at taking vacations and I actually wrote the check for our vacation down the shore for this summer! She also describes waiting for inevitable bad news – overreacting negatively to some kind of visual or audio prompt.

“Kel got up and walked into the lobby, avoiding my eyes. I interpreted this to mean she had to look away from me, because she was scared too. I absolutely knew it. Our life as we have lived it was ending.

It took her about eleven minutes to come back to the reading spot. I knew this because I did Mississippi to sixty eleven times. I do not wear a watch.

…I watched her. She sat totally unaware of all I had just been through. She read, my Kelly, my happy, non neurotic partner. Thank God for her. She does not think by some miracle of fate we were once again spared, but only for a moment.”

All this was because of a phone call that Kelly had to accept because their plane arrival was pushed back by one hour. Rosie was convinced that someone was calling to inform them that something horrible had happened to one of the kids.

I love that line. “Our life as we have lived it was ending”. This completely describes what goes through my head every time I have tried to get the dog. I think everything will be completely, horribly different. When I explained this to the therapist, he told me to focus on the positive things that the dog would bring into my life.

I can focus on the good, happy, fluffy thoughts in my mind, until there is an actual live dog that I may be getting and then I just freak and know that “our life as we have lived it was ending”.

18:56 - 2008-02-28
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