beyondpanic's diary

beyondpanic's Diaryland Diary

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Does Anyone There Speak Spanish?

I work for a health insurance company and these are some of the things that I’ve heard from our members lately:

“Does anyone speak Spanish there?” NO!

“How soon can I get my wife off of my plan after the divorce?” As soon as you can afford a good dad-gum lawyer!

”How can I make sure that my ex-wife doesn’t get any of my pension or death benefits?” Pray hard!

“My girlfriend is pregnant with my kid, so can I get insurance for her?” No, only the “kid” will be covered once it is born into your sorry family – your girlfriend is on her own.

“Does anyone speak Spanish there?” No!!

“What do you mean you don’t cover testing for sexually transmitted diseases under my routine benefits? I think everyone should be tested once a year for all of those diseases!” No, it is not covered routinely; perhaps, you should consider limiting your sexual partners!

“What do you mean you won’t pay for me to see a nutritionist? You’ll just let me get fatter and fatter until I qualify for a gastric bypass and then you’ll pay thousands of dollars for that!” Ahem…

“My doctor suggested swimming as a good exercise. Will the insurance pay for a swimming pool in my backyard?” <You wish!

Same voice as before… “My doctor suggested that a hot tub will help my back. Will the insurance pay for a hot tub in my backyard?” Nice try, asshole!

“Does anyone speak Spanish there?” No!!!

“My stump has shrunk and I need a new leg.” No comment

“What do you mean you won’t pay out more than $1750.00 a year for my daughter’s dental benefits? I guess you don’t care that her teeth are just crumbling in her mouth like rocks to sand!” Try putting her down for her nap without that bottle of grape soda!

“What do you mean you can’t talk to me about my wife’s claims? She is MY wife – I am the member – she wouldn’t have benefits if it weren’t for me – I’M the one who pays for this insurance…and what the hell is HIPAA????!” Yo, asshole, Did you check her teeth before you bought her – and how about her hooves?

“Does anyone speak Spanish there?” No!!!!

…and of course, my all time favorite which I have mentioned before….”Does the insurance pay for husband’s sperm to be washed? Yes, with tiny washcloths

6:32 p.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 08, 2008
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