beyondpanic's diary

beyondpanic's Diaryland Diary

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Cape May Crabs 2008


Yep, that's the family in our Cape May shirts. Hubby, me, L.J's boyfriend, daughter LJ, and my son S.J. Matching shirts - we're so goofy!


This one is a pic of my daughter and son on their bikes in Cape May...oh and that big face behind them is me - I always have to get in the picture!

I went to my therapist last night and once again, I cried while I was there. I told him that therapy is so freakin’ hard! Sometimes it actually makes me sick to my stomach.

My journal is titled Beyond Panic for so many reasons. I would never have gotten to where I am now, if it weren’t for the meds and therapy. The meds help soothe all of those crazy chemicals in my body – the therapy helps me understand what I can do to avoid having those chemicals banging against the walls of my brain.

I began my visit by telling the therapist (very self-righteously I might add) that I had decided not to go to Virginia for Swee’Pea’s birthday party. In our last phone conversation, the Sea Hag had told me that I was allowed to visit for my son’s sake. Of course she also told me that she and I would never be friends.

I responded to that by saying to myself, “If that biotch thinks I’m going to come running down there just because she has suddenly given me permission, she’s fu@kin’ crazy! I can’t let her think that she has power over me.”

What the therapist explained to me is that I need to go down there and be cordial to the Sea Hag and THAT’S IT! I should try to avoid any confrontations with her crazy un-medicated bipolar self. If she starts a confrontation, I should just get up and leave. I should focus on my son and my granddaughter – those are two people who need me.

See, that IS NOT how I have always worked in the past. My MOA is to run around and try to “fix” everything, try to FORCE people to like me, to be happy. If I know someone is upset, I panic and run around like a freakin’ court jester pulling all of my “tricks” out of my bag to make them smile.

He told me that I am a huge threat to the Sea Hag because I am so beautiful and slim. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Gotcha!!

He actually said I am a huge threat to her because she knows:

#1. I have “mental” issues that I am actively addressing with meds and therapy

#2. My son does love me in his half-assed way.

He also helped me realize something else. My daughter is the same age as the Sea Hag and I would never permit her to speak to me the way the S.H. has in the past. (Of course, my daughter would never speak to me that way!).

So, that’s where I am right now and I am reconsidering going to Virginia on the 23RD because my “power” exists in the fact that I can go there and enjoy my loved ones and ignore the Sea Hag…and please God, don’t let me bite my tongue in half.

5:28 p.m. - Friday, Aug. 15, 2008
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