beyondpanic's Diaryland Diary
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Sunday Mass
I�m Catholic � Roman Catholic to be exact.
My mother and the Immaculate Heart of Mary nuns taught me that I had to attend Mass every
Sunday. If I purposefully didn�t, then that would be a MORTAL SIN - (a black spot on my
milk-bottle soul per the Baltimore Catechism).
I was jealous of my friends who were Publics (when I was growing up, you were either Catholic
or Public, depending upon which school you went to). The Publics only went to church occasionally
and they got to go to sleep-over Bible camps in the summer! Catholics didn�t have camps, we just
had CYO (Catholic Youth Organization) basketball games on the hot and dusty church parking lots.
When my sisters and I were kids, my mom would completely ruin our summer Sundays by insisting
that we go to the 12:45 Mass at the church pictured above. I would watch my friends jump into their backyard pools while my
mother ushered my siblings and I into the non-air conditioned family station wagon. We would then
march into the non-air conditioned church, genuflect, slide into the pews and pray for a breeze.
I continued to go to Mass every Sunday for many years at the same church, but in the last two years, I have gone
sporadically. I don�t receive communion when I do go, because I�m afraid that my accumulated
missed Masses have now added up to a huge black Rorschach inkblot that is totally obliterating my
milk bottle soul. When I do attend, I find my mind wandering - I look at young happy couples with
beautiful babies and I start to worry about my son and granddaughter. I see happy middle age
couples and I can't help but wonder why my friend's beloved husband just died of Non � Hodgkin�s
lymphoma at the age of 60. I look at the Baptismal font and remember that my Swee'Pea was suposed to be baptized there - before the ugly blow up. I'm not finding peace at Mass, I'm finding sadness.
The one thought that has always pushed me to go to Mass is this: How can I ask God to keep my
family and friends safe all week if I can�t even devote one hour to Him during that week?
Even this thought is not pushing me back to church. My mother says that I�m just lazy � my gut
tells me I�m just weary.
- 2008-02-26
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